When you've become sick with mental illness you start to lose a sense of rationality. You lose everything; friends, family, and yourself. You then realize that there is no true meaning to anything. And being human, you want to fill that somber realization by lying. We grew up teaching ourselves that we need to find any significance in almost everything. When we can't find that meaning, our natural tendency is to lie to ourselves and make up that meaning that never existed in the first place.
This is what people do when they are hurt. They didn't know that it was coming, so when things finally happen, they want to think that their bad choices were in vain and that they are victims. Some people take others into account because they understand that there can never be just one victim and one assailant—everyone is both at once.
Truth is generally difficult to handle. Even if reality is harsh, everyone must deal with its effects. When certain people don't want to confront reality, they frequently go back to being middle
schoolers and fabricate stories to make themselves feel better. They only take pleasure in writing when they have the opportunity to rewrite history. going out and relating all of these new falsehoods and new lines that were added to a book that had been finished to people who had never heard the narrative to begin with. Why does this come naturally to some people? I like to think that they are building these fake walls as a type of solace because they feel lost and want to shield themselves. To feel protected from someone they believe could damage them. They want to think they are the only ones who have been emotionally wounded, therefore they don't like to confess they have been cruel. It's like when you were a little child and you hid underneath your blanket in your dark bedroom because you believed that a monster was under the bed or that you had heard a noise coming from your closet. This time, reality itself is the monster.
One thing that is difficult to accept is losing someone who was once very close to you because they couldn't accept that they were also naive, leaving you as the only one who grasped the truth and that you had also been affected. However, it might be upsetting to realize how fully they disintegrated into these falsehoods of solace.
Being aware that they told everyone they knew their lies about you, selling them as the truth, leading hundreds of people to think you are an abomination. It makes you feel angry and disgusted with yourself and makes you question whether if you were the one to deceive yourself instead of them. This forces you into a never-ending cycle of feeling undeserving. You don't deserve to be happy, to have food, to have friends, or to live and breathe. You convince yourself of this. You experience this sense of achievement whenever your BMI drops by another point, whenever you add another scar to your collection, and whenever you push yourself to the point of exhaustion. Your belief that everyone who once loved you has turned against you and only wants to see you suffer is the root of everything you're doing. However, that belief is untrue; all they desire is to get away from whatever they believe has harmed them. Is it worth harming yourself even more if they have already done you harm? Given that they are no longer at your side, it shouldn't matter what they desire.
In your absence, I became a painted shade
While you, in stagnant waters, chose to wade
As you deface and tear apart my identity
I’ll write a new one and become a new entity
As you’re the empty seashore
And the tides break away the sand
As the people who love you don’t understand
You are different yet you’ve always been the same
And I’m the only one who sees what you became
As the waves go back, the shells are uncovered
The crabs and shellfish had been sitting there smothered
You want them to drown but that’s how they’ve lived
You never truly loved them, you left them to wish
to fend and fight for you but they end up being dished
On a silver platter is where the most graceful fish end
You say they’re ungrateful and it’s all in their head
The problems are all theirs when you want them to hurt
but you’ll never hurt me, I know what I’ve learned
I’m not a fish, instead, I'm a small lighthouse
I’ll light the way even when I have to bite down
I had my doubts but I know your truth like no other
You're good at talking but can you recover?
In time, I'll heal from this deceitful game,
While you, in your denial, bear the shame.
For I've emerged smarter, smaller, and free,
From the toxic waves when you tried to drown me
What this is, is grief. Losing someone may not necessarily imply death. When someone has such a significant influence on your life, their unexpected absence leaves you feeling wandering,
distraught, and indignant. Was this person's existence the only thing that truly gave you a reason to live? No. Nobody is constant in your life. You are the one person that stays in your life the entire time. You have to rely on yourself to be happy. That is not to say that you shouldn't seek support along the way; it means that only you know your 100% true self. Nobody knows you like you do which can cause other people to be lost within knowing you which isn't anyone's fault. It's human. You can choose to be miserable about what arose, to place blame on other people, or to learn to accept it and move on. That is your choice to make.
-You are worth dozens of stars
xoxo, Syd
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